Monday, November 7, 2011

I Brought You In & I Will Take You Out

Martia’ Holloway
October 31, 2011
Nonfiction I
Essay #6

Pure white walls, a very well waxed floor, two chairs, a bed, one window, one small television mounted on the wall, and about six people standing around. As one lay in the bed, eating crushed ice in a very cold room. There was a mother, a father, a first cousin, a “baby daddy,” a daughter, and a sister. I know it was February 18, 2003 at 2:35 in the afternoon. I can remember this, because I was there and I remember. I can recall this.

The daughter lay in the bed with so much pain in her eyes, and every few minutes she would move and squirm around saying, “Mommy, I can’t do this it hurts so badly.” The mommy would reply, “You have to do this, we’re all here for you. The baby is coming whether you’re ready or not.” The baby daddy stood alongside the bed of his baby mother, not really knowing how to sooth her or even how to be a father. I was there too; I was the sister who I spoke about in the beginning. I was about seventeen years old and I wanted to know everything about having a baby and seeing my niece come into the world.

I didn’t stand alongside the bed; I paced the room asking my sister, “Are you okay? Does it hurt? Can you feel anything? What’s the ice for?” I continued to ask for the next few hours, because I didn’t know a woman could lie in a bed, eating crushed ice, and being mean to everyone just because she chose to have a baby. I was inquisitive and I was soon, no more like later about to find out. It quickly went from 2:38 in the afternoon to 5:00 in the evening. The cousin was restless, the father was scared, and the baby daddy was lost.

A nurse would often come into the room, pull back the blue curtain, ask everyone to leave but my mother, the baby daddy, and myself. I guess because we were the ones who would be staying for the actual birth of the baby. The nurse, in her plastic shoes, and light blue smocks reached into the drawer for a glove. She would ask the baby mother a series of questions, way more complicated than the ones I asked. With that gloved hand, she put a clear cream on and shoved her hand right in my sister’s virgin. “You’re dilated about four centimeters.” I don’t remember the exact measurements, because I’ve never been any good at math.

2:38 pm, 5:00 pm, and now 7:00 pm and still no baby in sight. The mother sat in the chair, the cousin in the waiting room with his friend who arrived to keep him company, the baby daddy sat in another chair that he drug over to left side of the bed. The father sat on the heater in the labor and delivery room, the sister (myself) still pacing. Still wondering, “What the hell was taking so long and what in the hell is an epidural?” The daughter sat up, bent over, and held on to the arm of her baby daddy as the nurse inserted the needle. Whatever that shit was, the daughter turned into someone very heavy medicated in about thirty minutes or what seemed like thirty minutes to me.

7:00 pm, 8:00 pm, 9:00 pm, 10:00 pm and still nothing. We were all restless and I had asked the same questions about a million times, but my sister just kept giving me the evil eye. The nurse came in about one hundred times and each time she violated my sister. Finally the nurse said, “You are dilated ten centimeters.” Everyone jumped up, rearranged their seats, and prepared themselves. I didn’t I continued to pace the room until I realized something big was about to happen. I looked up at the clock which had just struck midnight. The nurse cleared the room except for; me, the mother, and the baby daddy. My father said, “Got to go, I can’t stand this.”

The doctor came into the room and gave out orders as if he had been the one waiting for hours. The baby daddy and a nurse held my sisters legs back, I stood right in front of the hole waiting to see what was going to happen and what was going to come out. My sister began to push and push and push. Until finally I could see a head I yelled out over top of others screaming, “You can do this.” But, I had the best view so I yelled, “Kara I can see the head, omg!” Just as I said that the doctor reached for the emergency button. He said the baby was in distress.

I watched as they twisted and turned the head of the baby and her blood pressure dropped, the umbilical cord was around her neck. Once they pulled her out she wasn’t crying or moving. Then eventually she cried. They took her away instantly, washed her, and dressed her in the hospital fashion baby attire and handed her off. Pierce Deas was born at 4:38 am on February 19, 2003.

I know it seems like I skipped a whole piece of information and why the baby was in distress? I don’t know though, because no one said anything to us they just moved around quickly. The doctor and nurses only interacted with each other and finally a baby came out.

All I know is now I see why my mom says, “I brought you into this world and I will take you out.” She probably had to lie in a bed, eating crushed ice, and being mean. 

I Too Wore a Letter across My Chest

Martia’ Holloway
October 16, 2011
Nonfiction I
Essay # 4

I bore a letter across my chest like; Hester wore her A in the Scarlett Letter. However, the letter I wore wasn't an A, nor was it B or C, and not even D. This letter ruined my life and some of the best relationships I have ever encountered. It wasn’t E, or F. This letter was in the beginning of the alphabet and not so much the end. This was my letter to symbolize something far greater than the A, Hester wore with grace. I couldn’t take pride in my letter, and I dare not wear it across my chest. It wasn’t the letter P, because I had forgotten how to pray. It wasn’t the letter G, because I had lost that close relationship with God.
                                                                        The Scarlett Letter is the story of Hester Prynne, who conceives a daughter through an adulterous affair and struggles to create a new life of Repentance and dignity. Throughout the book, Hawthorne explores themes of legalism, sin, and guilt.
I struggle with my letter to find someone who will accept it, someone who will love me no matter what. Or am I like Hester and my only options are; to wear this letter with pride, to love me, and to find dignity in myself no matter what letter I own.
Question:
What if we all had to wear a letter that told the truth about us or who we were?
A is for Adultery
B is for Babies
C is for Currency
D is for Death
E is for Economy
F is for Failure
Failure, something I feared like Death, something that meant so much in my life, but it wasn't my letter. I can't bear to tell the world and its only one place I feel this letter would be okay. Climb through my ears, walk about a mile and you will be in this place. Once inside, it will be really dark and hollow, so remember to bring your flash light. Watch out for all the words passing by, those are just my thoughts, and when I’m really angry you’ll hear a loud noise; that’s me yelling inside my head when I’ve had enough.
                                                                                                                        Answer:
                                                                                                            Some of us would be hiding!
Explore every inch of my mind, because that’s the only way you’ll know exactly who I ‘am or what I’m feeling. You’ll see the letter I’m talking about, but it will be in word form instead of one letter. It will scare the shit out of you, but don’t run out the other side, please don’t. I’ve had enough of that. Just try to understand me and what I’m thinking. We all have sinned, and we all have suffered the consequence of sins.
Sin: any act regarded as such a transgression, especially a willful or deliberate violation of some religious or moral principle.    
I was suffering this consequence of my own sins. But it wasn’t the letter C, K, or the letter L, not even M or N. It wasn’t at the end of the alphabet or the beginning, maybe not quite the middle either.
K is for Kill
L is for Love (if you believe in that)
M is for Many
N is for Nigga (the slang way)
                                                                                                            Questions: What is Love?
Is love the reason Hester wore the A, is love the reason why she committed the A? Isn’t it ironic that my letter causes people who love me, to never accept that part of me? L is for love, but also lust, loser, last, and late. All the things we associate with being horrible.  
                                                                                                Answer: Who honestly know the truth?
Inside this place, you will hear music (cover your ears); those are the songs I love. You will see regrets, accomplishments, and fears. All the things I chose not to speak, nor wear across my chest. Or is it that way only to me? While inside this place, you will see who I’ am as a person, my sins, my likes, and dislikes, you will see my letter.
It’s not Z, Q, or S.
Z is for Zoo (that’s what this world is)
Q is for Quitter (which I will never do)
S is for Sorry (I only apologize)
Dignity: bearing, conduct, or speech indicative of self-respect or appreciation of the formality or gravity of an occasion or situation.
Listen, I bore a letter across my chest like Scarlett wore her A; however I didn’t wear my letter literally, just wore the scars.